whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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