Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
