nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
