wanna go halves on a baby?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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