What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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