i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
