This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
