smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize