apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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