Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
