I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
