too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
