I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
