I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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