And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sober January is a disaster.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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