Cold hands, warm shart.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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