soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
