Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
