Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
