I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
