one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.