Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.