it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.