i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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