Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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