The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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