Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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