then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Someone came in the potted fern
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
