He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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