In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
