I met the friendliest cop last night
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
