Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
