I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We had sex on a dog bed..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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