she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
