the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
