the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
