She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
