his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
