im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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