I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
