I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to calm my uterus...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
