If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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