My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My pussy is not your playground.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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