I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
