Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
