how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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