I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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