How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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