I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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