Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
