I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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