true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
