Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
