Swine flu. Run for my life!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
