I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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