A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
