the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
