when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
