Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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