dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
