you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
