please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
